I talk to a lot of people about their relationships. And a lot of these relationships are about as salubrious as the Ebola virus: cold, afar, loveless, and flesh-eating.

I hear the stories most the heartbreak and loneliness, the lying and adulterous, and the pain. Always the hurting.

Inevitably, these conversations end with some form of the same question: "Why?" Why does he/she do this to me? Why does he/she not care anymore? Why won't he/she change?

Tolstoy said that all happy relationships are the aforementioned, simply each unhappy human relationship is unique in its own way.1 I suppose that's true. But I do think the question of fidelity, of why some people choose to remain true-blue and others do non, is fairly straightforward and easily answered.

It turns out that adultery is actually not uncommon in both men and women. In fact, surveys gauge that almost ane-fourth of all marriages experience infidelity at some indicate. And that'due south only counting the people who answered honestly or found out about it.2

It'due south also very hard for nearly people to exist logical about infidelity. They starting time raging all over the place and throwing people's shit out on the backyard. Or they get so pitiful and hurt that they can't look at the situation reasonably and encounter all of the alert signs stretching out miles behind them.3

So let's break this down logically. I know algorithms aren't exactly romantic or sexy. But then again, neither is cheating. Then fuck it, you get an algorithm.

The Cheating Algorithm is quite simple and goes equally follows:

Self-GRATIFICATION > INTIMACY = Cheating

In patently English: when one'southward demand for cocky-gratification outweighs their demand for intimacy, adulterous is likely to occur. Permit's break that down a footling more and dig a fiddling deeper:

  1. Every bit humans, we all have a natural desire for self-gratification. Good food. Good sexual practice. Footling work. Lots of slumber. Porn and video games and corn flakes.4
  2. Equally humans, we besides all have a natural desire for intimacy and to experience loved by somebody else, to experience every bit though we are sharing our lives with somebody.5
  3. Unfortunately, these two needs are ofttimes contradictory. To achieve that intimacy and love, you take to sacrifice your own cocky-gratification at times. And to achieve self-gratification, you ofttimes have to sacrifice some dear and intimacy. This can be as simple equally watching a movie you don't really like or attending some boring work party yous don't care nigh. Merely it can also exist deep and complex, like being open nearly your fears and insecurities to your partner or making a conscious commitment to be monogamous with that person for an indefinite corporeality of fourth dimension.six
  4. If a person values cocky-gratification more than than the intimacy they gain from a relationship, then they will terminate sacrificing for the human relationship and are likely to end upwards adulterous. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a relationship more than cocky-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain true-blue.
  5. Think of it similar a scale. On ane side you have self-gratification and on the other you have intimacy. If at any bespeak the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, then you get a cheater.why people cheat: the self-gratification vs intimacy balance scale

There are two ways this tin can happen. The outset way is that a person is only shallow and selfish and needs to exist gratified constantly. The 2nd reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire.seven Let'south unpack these two reasons separately.

In my eyes, the definition of maturity is the ability to defer self-gratification in favor of more important long-term goals.8

You don't masturbate at piece of work because that would get you fired. You don't swallow chocolate cake for breakfast every morning because that would give you a middle assail by the age of 32. You lot don't mainline heroin straight into your eyeballs before picking your kids up from schoolhouse because, well, Jesus, practice I actually have to explain that one?

Sure, these things feel squeamish, merely you have larger and more important concerns and you're able to defer your own gratification to meet those concerns.

This is chosen "maturity." It'south called "existence an adult." It's called "non being a fuck up."

Cheating falls under the aforementioned umbrella here. Sure, it may feel proficient to rub your genitals all over that beautiful stranger's confront, but a mature person is capable of stepping back and deferring their gratification in favor of a more important life-long commitment.

Self-gratifying cheaters come up in two flavors: miserable over-compensators and people in power.

The miserable over-compensators are constantly focused on their own gratification because they feel then miserable nigh themselves that they need to brand themselves feel good to cover it upward all the fourth dimension. Chances are that if your adulterous deadbeat of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is a miserable over-compensator, cheating isn't the only destructive self-gratifying behavior they pursue. They may be a heavy drinker, a hard partier, a drug user, or a social climber.

Or they may just try to accept over the globe.

The people in power are just that, people in high positions of power.nine They're Genghis Khan. Or more than recently, Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They are people who don't have anyone to say "no" to them or those who don't face any real tangible repercussions for their actions. Or in the case of Khan, a man who just slaughtered an entire province of innocent people and wanted to spend the side by side week having a claret orgy with all the local virgins. Knock yourself out, champ.

Simply these don't just need to exist people with social power. These can be people who are given complete power over the relationship, people who are shown no repercussions for their actions past their partners. Yes, you can unwittingly enable your partner to cheat on y'all. Which brings us to the 2d reason.

It's not rocket scientific discipline to say that the likelihood of infidelity in a relationship is directly proportional to how miserable the relationship is.

The trouble is that many people don't recognize the misery in their own relationships. They come from a family unit total of miserable relationships and/or accept a long history of miserable relationships, then to them, it's not even miserable, it'south just normal.

Then they get surprised when wifey is fucking the milkman. Everything was so good, what happened?

No, it wasn't then skilful buckeroo. Let me explain why.

Damn you milk man. Always stealing away our women.
Damn yous milkman. Always stealing our women.

Look, there are 2 relationship patterns that commonly finish upwards with somebody adulterous. Both involve poor boundaries.ten And both create an illusion that "everything is great," when really it's a festering pile of cow shit with big cherry-red hearts painted on information technology.

The showtime situation is when i partner feels as though they "exercise everything" for the other partner. They take care of them, give them everything they want, and in some cases back up them. The person feels like a goddamn saint and then what happens? They become cheated on.

The reason this is actually a toxic state of affairs is that when yous exercise everything for your partner, when you take care of all of their problems and show them that no matter what happens you volition ever make it better for them, you lot show them that there are essentially no repercussions for their actions. They lose their job because they were masturbating at the role again and yous make up one's mind to support them. Then they spend the adjacent half dozen months loafing effectually on your couch while you tirelessly send out their resume for them. What makes you lot think they're going to change? What makes yous retrieve they will ever cease and question their own behavior?

If you had a domestic dog that continuously pissed on your carpet and every time you just cleaned up the rug because OMIGOD I LOVE HER, why would the dog ever stop pissing on information technology?

That'south what happens when these people cheat on you. You're actually surprised when you lot've been tolerating and enabling the verbal beliefs that led to them cheating all along. No, it's non your "error," but you sure as shit weren't helping the matter.

Believe it or not, a healthy and loving human relationship requires that people say "no" to i another on occasion. It requires that each individual stands up for themselves and their needs. Because only then can 2 people, as self-respecting individuals, discuss what will work and what won't work for them in a human relationship.

The other state of affairs where cheating always ends up happening is when one partner is insanely possessive and jealous.

Permit me enquire you this, if you lot were dating somebody who regularly looked through your telephone without permission, demanded to know where you were at all times, got ripshit pissed off every time you went out with your friends without him/her and screamed at you until claret vessels popped in their face if you go a single twenty-four hour period without calling or texting, why wouldn't you cheat?11

I hateful, this person is essentially treating you similar you already cheated, even though you lot did nothing incorrect. So why not cheat? It won't get whatever worse.

And that'due south exactly what happens. "Well, my husband yells at me every day anyway, and now that I'm with my friends and we've have had a few apple-tinis, I realize I haven't been happy with him in about a year, so yeah, why don't I kiss this cute guy hitting on me right now? He's actually nice to me. And I'm going to get yelled at when I become home anyway. So why not?"

And nail, the milkman strikes once more.

Possessive/jealous behavior communicates extreme insecurity and a lack of self-respect. How can your partner respect you if you are incapable of tolerating any sort of discomfort in the relationship whatsoever?

True, sexy confidence comes not from fighting for self-gratification, merely rather from beingness comfortable with deferring gratification. Which brings us to…

There are simple steps you tin can take to prevent getting cheated on. Note while they are "simple" they are not necessarily like shooting fish in a barrel to do.

Let me explain.

Step one: Exercise Not Date Somebody Who Cannot Defer Self-Gratification Well

This goes without saying, but don't fall in love with the outset person who looks at y'all without grimacing.

Look, dating a self-gratifier can be awesome, as long as you continue to appease them. But yous need to learn to wait by the feel-appurtenances and expect at how this person actually lives their life. Are they capable of making sacrifices for those effectually them? Are they impulsive? Does their life appear to be filled with unnecessary drama? Exercise they have responsibility for their deportment?

The problem with people who base their lives around their own gratification is that they often appear confident to people who are anxious or insecure. I remember when I met my get-go girlfriend, ane of the things I loved virtually her was that if she wanted something she merely went and did information technology. I was then insecure and inhibited at the time that I thought this was an amazing display of conviction.

What I afterwards constitute out was that it was really an amazing display of self-gratification. As shortly as she wanted another pair of genitals in her face, well, at that place they were.

As I described in this article, truthful sexy confidence just exists when someone is comfortable with what they don't have. True confidence comes from being able to defer and give up one's own gratification and desires and take the appropriate actions when necessary.

The other issue with people who appointment cocky-gratifiers is that they think to themselves, "Well, he's so loving and happy when he's with me, why would he ever want to be with somebody else?"

Yep, it's because he was dating y'all for the self-gratification, not the intimacy. And so of class he loved being with you, as long equally it was on his terms. As shortly every bit y'all quit providing gratification for him, he went and establish somebody else who did.

Footstep 2: Enforce Healthy Boundaries

That ways continuing up for yourself. That means declaring what is and is non acceptable in the relationship both for yourself and your partner. That means sticking by those declarations and following through on them. That means doing pretty much everything explained in this commodity.

That means you lot recognize that you are not responsible for your partner'south happiness nor are they responsible for yours. That you practice not have a right to demand certain deportment from them nor practise they have a right to demand certain actions from y'all.

That means that they are responsible for their own struggles just as yous are responsible for yours.

That means that you realize oftentimes the about loving and compassionate affair you lot can do for a loved 1 is allow them to deal with their struggles themselves.

The point of a human relationship is not for you to accept all of your life's problems fixed past your partner, nor is it for you to fix all of your partner'due south life problems.

The point of a human relationship is to have two individuals unconditionally support each other as they deal with their own problems together.

Stride 3: Always Be Willing to Go out

This comes upward in a lot of my replies to those emails I get, and it often catches people off guard.

Merely a relationship is simply equally stiff as each person's willingness to exit. Note that I didn't say desire to leave, but the willingness to leave. Every healthy relationship requires the occasional loving but stern "no." Otherwise zero will always change because there's no reason for information technology to change.

A wise friend of mine told me years ago that after ii divorces the near important lesson he learned was that "the quickest way to kill a human relationship is to take each other for granted."12

A relationship is not an obligation. It is a option. Made every twenty-four hours. Information technology is a choice that says, "The intimacy we share is better for me than my own cocky-gratification." It is a selection that recognizes the short-term costs are worth the long-term benefits. It is a selection to capeesh what brought yous two together in the first place. And so to let that continue you there.